Basildon Healing Mission
(Eastside World Outreach Ministries)
Reg Charity 1115487
Grace in Marriage
Marriage should be a place of encouragement, a place of freedom from the stresses of the world, a private reality where responsibilities are shared and each feels great self worth.
Grace is a state we are bought to through the revelation of Jesus, a door way is opened
Into heaven and we are moved from the natural power of sin and death into the reality of the cross. A state where we no longer serve our old master sin but now we serve a new master the God of heaven. We have been given all things all blessings:-
1 Cor 1:3 Grace (favour and spiritual blessing) be to you and [heart] peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Cor 1:4 I thank my God at all times for you because of the grace (the favour and spiritual blessing) of God which was bestowed on you in Christ Jesus,
1 Cor 1:5 [So] that in Him in every respect you were enriched, in full power {and} readiness of speech [to speak of your faith] and complete knowledge {and} illumination [to give you full insight into its meaning].
Vertical grace comes from above, how God stoops down to forgive us in our dark and sinful state, but we need horizontal grace in our marriage for we are sinful and unlovable Our father Gives and gives and we take and take. Love is give and take but we could never hope to repay Him if we even try we are belittling the gift God has given us.
Our Horizontal grace lacks, we pile on the guilt, we are demanding of others and we do not encourage others. We lack the ability to just let them be, we don’t allow them room so that God can get to work. As we discussed previously being still and letting God work out His plan of salvation in our life's.
Ps 46:10 Let be {and} be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth!
If we saw an artist at work on a large canvas, would we get impatient with him, and grab the brush from his hand and try to do the painting ourselves?
How would we know what the artist had in mind when he started the work?
If a surgeon was performing a life saving heart operation on a loved one would we try to grab the scalpel from his hand and carry on with the operation ourselves?
No we would trust the surgeon, because he is a trained professional he knows what he is doing. So if we can trust a mere man why do we worry about trusting almighty God, after all the work of the cross is a finished work not a work in progress.
God knew what He was doing when He created marriage, so trust in the Lord.
Remember that salvation comes through faith as it did with Abraham.
I am not saying in grace there is freedom to run wild but freedom to develop under God.
Lets look at the word of God concerning marriage, it is a holy institution developed between one man and one woman sealed unto God.
Marriage is the secret place where no one is looking but God sees how we behave.
A man may be gracious in public an important figure but a tyrant at home.
A Wife’s see what this man is really like so do your children and so does God.
Eph 5:10 And try to learn [in your experience] what is pleasing to the Lord [let your lives be constant proofs of what is most acceptable to Him].
Eph 5:11 Take no part in {and} have no fellowship with the fruitless deeds {and} enterprises of darkness, but instead [let your lives be so in contrast as to] expose {and} reprove {and} convict them.
Eph 5:12 For it is a shame even to speak of {or} mention the things that [such people] practice in secret.
Eph 5:13 But when anything is exposed {and} reproved by the light, it is made visible {and} clear; and where everything is visible {and} clear there is light.
Eph 5:14 Therefore He says, Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall shine (make day dawn) upon you {and} give you light.
Eph 5:15 Look carefully then how you walk! Live purposefully {and} worthily {and} accurately, not as the unwise {and} witless, but as wise (sensible, intelligent people),
Live life together pleasing to the Lord, God has joined you together, we are seeing in marriage an earthly image of the relationship we have with Jesus. We are joined to Him in an everlasting covenant, we are to be faithful to Him and keep ourselves pure unto Him as with marriage.
This is where horizontal grace comes in, we are to be all we can be to each other.
First in our lives is our God
Matt 22:37 And He replied to him, you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect).
Second place is our wife and our family in that order, for a man has left his mother and father to cling to his wife.
Thirdly is the ministry yes in that order no other order is acceptable unto God.
(1) Marriage is mutual unselfishness (accepting, forgiving, Grace to understand, to affirm and restrain)
Walk in forgiveness as our Lord asks you to, people will always fall short of our expectations, they will always let us down. Maybe a word said can open many an old wound, but forgiveness means just that let it go. Allow each other to be as you are, we are all different. There is no point in getting upset if he forgets to put the top on the tooth paste, no matter how may times you tell him, isn’t your man more than a tube of tooth paste? In marriage we need to accept differences, we grow we change but our love holds it together. Jesus must be the center
Eccl 4:12 And though a man might prevail against him who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Remember Jesus bought you together He should be the centre always, show grace to each other, allow differences but grow in grace.
(2) Marriage is a life long commitment, it takes grace to stay, to forgive to go on, to hang on. What value we place on the relationship determines the strength of that marriage.
(3) Such will have trouble- that’s marriage , relationships, job, children etc
One thing about marriage is it’s a bumpy ride, it’s no bed of roses it is the hardest walk we can ever under take. When people look outwardly at a married couple, they think they have a great marriage, and there children are so well behaved.
What they do not see is the work that goes into that relationship; they don’t see the fights or the sacrifice that takes place. They do not see the struggles, when times are hard and people are sick, they do not see any of this. Bringing up the children, staying awake with them all night, having the constant worry of how they are, people do not see any of this. As Paul says to some it is better if they never marry.
(4) There is no room for perfection in marriage only grace.
You cannot expect more of your partner than they are able to give!
There is no such thing as a perfect wife or a perfect husband, we are only human.
If they have problems before you are married they will have them after. Marriage does not change anyone, you are still two individuals, as such you should be loved as an individual and not as a fictitious role model. Good wife’s and husbands are what we become, the truth is it’s not what you want out of the marriage that makes a good marriage, but what you give to meet the other partner needs in that relationship.
You cannot be selfish, there is no room for it.
Your responsibilities to each other (Ephesians 5: 22-24)
Eph 5:22 Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord.
Eph 5:23 For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body.
Eph 5:24 As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.
(1) Wife’s primary responsibility is to respect and know herself so well, that she can give herself completely to her husband in submission. I am not saying that she must be a door mat to be abused and walked all over, but she is to respect the man as head of the house. She can only do this when she herself feels valued and loved. But just as you men are starting to relax in your seats thinking to yourselves, ‘I hope you’re listening to this wife’ the Lord has an even greater message for you.
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
Eph 5:26 So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word,
Eph 5:27 That He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless].
Eph 5:28 Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.
Eph 5:29 For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes {and} carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church,
Husbands give yourselves up for your wife, Men you must love the Lord and ourselves so completely we lay down our needs to meet hers, in fact you are to lay down your very life for her- that means sacrifice.
This is grace Men you are called to be as Christ to His church, to protect her, honour her, take care of her, to put her needs first, as Christ lay down His needs for the church so must you. You are to be the high priest of the house and share God’s word with your wife and family- As I said your role is even greater.
Now we would like to hold a quiz I want to ask you some questions as if I was asking unmarried people today, about what they see as there needs would be in a marriage.
These answers were taken from an American audience so first we will ask the Men and then the women, before we compare these answers.
So what would be the top 6 things you would want from a marriage partner?
The results from the American audience were:-
First the Mans needs:-
(2) Men’s needs Sexual fulfillment, recreation companion (to do things together), Attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration.
And for the woman:-
(3) Woman’s needs Affection, Conversation, Honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment. ( nest building )
As you can see from the answers men and woman are two completely different people with different needs. The Man is the hunter gatherer who looks for physical things within a relationship; he is driven by urges within him.
The woman is more emotional and is able to work on a completely different level to the man. Both of these attributes are not weaknesses they are strengths. When God created Adam He was a perfect man made in the image of God, therefore he was both male and female, but God took out of him and created Eve. In doing so man was split and became male and female two sides of one perfect created being. That is why God says when we marry or are given in marriage we become one flesh, and that is why together a Husband and wife are so strong, but stronger still when Jesus is the centre.
(4) The woman role in the home tends to be for family and the man as the breadwinner. The woman takes on the role as the pleaser and the men tend to behave as controllers, this is not right It must be give and take.
In reality lets look at the roles of the Husband and Wife in 1st Peter 3 vs. 1
We both Fulfil distinct roles and Men are won over by behaviour not by beauty.
1 Pet 3:1 IN LIKE manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives,
1 Pet 3:2 When they observe the pure {and} modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].
(1) You cannot exchange external beauty for internal, for this is to model femininity which is especially pleasing to God, nor should you let yourselves go and not try.
1 Pet 3:3 Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving {and} knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes;
1 Pet 3:4 But let it be the inward adorning {and} beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible {and} unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.
Inward beauty is far more precious, especially one that reflects the love of the Lord, no matter how beautiful someone is on the outside – which will fade. It is the inner beauty that magnifies the Lord- and leads the unsaved to Christ.
For the husbands
1 Pet 3:7 In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honouring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God's unmerited favour) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered {and} cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]
(2) Husbands get to know your wife make her your priority.
Men as husbands you will develop the masculine roll within your home, and grant your wife honour, as the woman of the house. This will truly strengthen your home and give good roll models to your children.
1 Pet 3:8 Finally, all [of you] should be of one {and} the same mind (united in spirit), sympathizing [with one another], loving [each other] as brethren [of one household], compassionate {and} courteous (tenderhearted and humble).
1 Pet 3:9 Never return evil for evil or insult for insult (scolding, tongue-lashing, berating), but on the contrary blessing [praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them]. For {know that} to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God--that you may obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection].
(3) Men don’t be as little boys stamping your feet, manipulating your wife in being critical and un thoughtful if you do not get your own way, or if you have had a bad day. So has she looking after the children and the house all day, so what if your dinner is not on the table when you get home, and the place is in a mess.
So what if she does not look her best, you think you have had a hard day? Try doing what your wife does all day and then having to face a grumpy husband, who does not find things as he would like them. Be real with each other lose those expectations- you want something to eat? You make it I’m busy! Why not when you come in instead of looking to relax let your wife relax, I’m sure she would love too.
(4) Don’t be little girls looking to daddy to tell you what to do.
Your man needs to know he can rely on you to look after things at home. Men need security his home it’s his castle, even when you don’t feel like it, make the effort for him. But do not let him become lazy, remind him that he also has responsibilities, there his children as well. Not just when they can play football but while there still in diapers.
(5) But the home needs to be a place of mutual dignity, destiny, humility and authority.
(6) Home should be your favourite place for you and your family a place you cannot wait to get to and a place you do not want to leave.
(7) Live in grace with each other forgiving – don’t bring mistakes up from the past, for when you forgive those things should be cast from you as far as east is west never to be remembered again.
(8) Finally marriage is not easy but it is the greatest thing we can have if we follow God’s word and work hard at it, never denying each other but giving first place to each other .
(9) There is one thing I want you all to try, when you get home and find quiet time together. Ask each other on a scale of 1 to 10 how you rate as a wife or a husband!
In order for this to work do not get angry at the response you receive but receive it gracefully ( it may be lower than you think). Then ask each other what you can do to improve as that wife or husband, for how will you know if you do not ask. Trust me this will build and increase your relationship, and God will bless you.